Dead Men Auditions
by xyxdeletedxyx
Summary: Attacking an entire battalion of Mevolent's troops is sure to impress the Dead Men, but will Saracen Rue get out alive? Of course he will, Anton's there to save him.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

 **Hi. This is a Skulduggery Pleasant fanfiction. Written by me. And it's about the Dead Men. Because they are awesome. And- that's it. No wait... disclaimer!**

 **I do not own Skulduggery Pleasant or the Dead Men. All rights belong to Derek Landy!**

* * *

"Aaaaaaaaargh!"shrieked Saracen Rue in a suspiciously girly voice as he rolled down the hill straight into an entire battalion of Mevolent's troops.

How exactly this happened? Well...

* * *

"I can't believe this," moaned Erskine Ravel." This is a really really important mission, and Meritorious sends us a couple of FNGs!?"

"Hey! I resent that," said Saracen, but was ignored.

Skulduggery Pleasant, the miracle soldier, the skeleton detective, the man who came back from the dead by the power of his pure rage alone tilted his head- or skull, really.

"We're here too, Erskine. I'm sure we can handle it."

Ghastly hesitated, then said, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but- I agree with Erskine."

"Thank you!"said Erskine gratefully, as Dexter sniggered. He frowned. "No, wait..."

"There's a battalion down there, and we don't need a couple of idiots blowing our cover."said Ghastly, pointedly ignoring Erskine and Dexter, who had started wrestling and throwing insults at each other. "You'll have to prove yourselves,"he said, staring intensely at Saracen Rue and Anton Shudder.

"Don't worry," said Saracen, re-arranging himself into a more comfortable position. "Any moment now I'm going to do something totally awesome-and trust me, I know things- which is going to impress you so much you'll- aaaaaaaargh!"

And he fell.

"That idiot!"said Anton Shudder angrily, getting up quickly." Now l have to go save him...excuse me."

Skulduggery Pleasant, Ghastly Bespoke, Erskine Ravel and Dexter Vex stared as he charged down the hill after his idiotic friend.

* * *

Meanwhile, Saracen had rolled to an ungraceful stop in the middle of a group of about 50 of Mevolent's men. The men stared as he got up, groaning painfully.

"I think I lost a nipple up there," he murmured quietly, rubbing his chest tenderly. He looked up and saw the men glaring murderously at him.

"Umm...guys? I'm sure there's a peaceful way out of this..." said Saracen Rue, nervously backing away until his back bumped into the side of the hill.

"Heathen!"shouted a man wearing a hat. "Attack!" The leader then.

Shrugging and cursing himself for his idiocy, Saracen prepared to fight.

Suddenly he heard a war cry come from behind him and turned back, confused, to see Anton Shudder charging down the hill, coming to a stop beside him.

"You idiot!" he hissed."You ruined the mission, put yourself in danger and now I have to save you!"

"Save him?"sneered the hat-man."No-one's doing no saving around here. No, what's gonna happen is that we are going to kill you, and your backup, and send your mutilated corpses back to Meritorious as a warning."

"To be fair, they're not the backup. We are." Saracen pointed out.

The hat-man looked confused. "Wha-" he began, but he was cut off by the scream of the man standing closest to Anton as his Gist tore into him. Saracen took s moment to stare awestruck at the way the Gist ripped, slashed and killed, before yelling out a war cry and running at a few of the men who were heading towards Anton.

He punched one of them's jaw, sending him reeling while kicking another's shin. The third man launched himself at him and slashed with a knife, but Saracen grabbed his wrist and twisted. The man shouted out and dropped the knife, backing away clutching his injured wrist.

"Wimp." Saracen muttered, picking up the knife. The second man caught him unawares as he punched him. Saracen stumbled, feeling hot blood run down his face. He cursed and waved the knife blindly. He heard someone cry out and saw the second man drop to the ground. The first man kicked him, and Saracen cut his arm. He smashed his fist into the man's jaw, following it with a kick to the stomach. The man gave a strangled cry and fell.

Saracen looked up, seeing a lot of blood and gore and a nearly passed out Anton. He rushed over to him, helping him up.

"Saracen,"muttered Anton, tiredly." You're bleeding."

"And you're close to losing consciousness." Saracen retorted, lifting Anton's arm and putting it around his shoulders.

Anton didn't say anything, just nodded and staggered forward.

* * *

At the top of the hill, the four men were still staring.

"We should go after them."said Dexter finally, getting up. Erskine pulled him back down.

"Sit down," he instructed. "This is their chance to prove themselves."

Dexter scoffed, and got back up. "There's a battalion down there. They're dead men!"

"No actually, there's only fifty men. The bulk of the camp is a couple of miles away."said Ghastly.

Dexter looked at him sceptically. "Yeah. Two against 50. That's a lot better."

"It is actually. Compared to five hundred." pointed out Skulduggery.

Dexter scowled at him and started off down the hill.

"Just saying."muttered Skulduggery, climbing to his skeletal feet. The others followed, walked to the edge of the top of the hill, then stopped and stared.

Saracen Rue and Anton Shudder were slowly making their way back up the hill. Dexter was a few meters away, staring open-mouthed at the bruised, battered but clearly very alive pair of men.

Saracen grinned tiredly as he passed him."Told you I'd do something awesome."

Dexter shook his head and grinned back, helping him with Anton."You slipped and fell."

"No I didn't,"protested Saracen."I attacked them."

"Alone?" said Dexter, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm freakin' talented!"

* * *

 **YAY! My first story! Anyone get the LSODM quote? Hint- Ghastly said it in the book. Review please! Reviewing shows you can write and have got a brain.**

 **Yes. If you are determined, that means you will review. If you're not- pretty please?**


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